I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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