It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
