Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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