so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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