I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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