before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
