i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
