The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize