The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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