Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
