I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
