you guys were way drunker than both of me
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
