i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
