If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I've blown a few things in my day
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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