wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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