I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
