The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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