He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
