just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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