STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
