I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
