Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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