In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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