My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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