I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
