my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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