I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
