You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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