A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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