i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
