I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize