She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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