I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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