Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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