This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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