it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pants are for mortals
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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