Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
