I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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