My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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