I should be sponsored by Trojan
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize