I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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