I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
