does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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