anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize