I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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