Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Im part way to drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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