i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
