she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
