matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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