Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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