I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He passed out mid-signature
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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