What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
