I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
