dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
