I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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