Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
