I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
