I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize