Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
