youre lurking in front of me
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
