i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize