Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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