Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm getting married
To pizza
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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